Most blues begin "woke up this
"I got a good
woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you write
something nasty on the next
"I got a good
woman- with the meanest dog in town."
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
"Got a good woman With the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher. And he weighs 'bout 500 pounds.
The blues are not about limitless
Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other
acceptable blues transportation is the Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays
a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the
blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
Memphis or Ann Arbor. But Memphis sounds better.
You can have the blues in New York City, but not
in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, Ann Arbor and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet, b. beige, c. mauve, d. taupe,
You can't have the blues in an office or a
shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
Good places for the Blues: a. the highway, b. the
jailhouse, c. the empty bed.
Bad places: a.
The Mall (c'mon, folks!), b. receptions of any kind,
c. Kennebunkport, Maine, Crawford, Texas
No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit,
unless you happen to be an African American man in his advanced years.
Do you have the right to sing the
Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state-like
Georgia b. You're blind c. You shot a man in Memphis. d. You can't be satisfied.
No, if: a. You were once blind but now can see, b.
You're deaf, c. You have a trust fund, Your baby didn't leave you.
- Neither Pat Boone nor
Randy Travis can
sing the blues. Somewhat surprisingly, Willie Nelson can sing the blues.
If you ask for water and your
baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are: a. wine
(Ripple, MD 20/20) , b. Irish whiskey,
c. muddy water.
Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink, b. Any
wine kosher for Passover, c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
If it occurs in a cheap motel or
a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a
blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied
treatment in an emergency room.
It is not a blues death, if you die during a
facelift, a liposuction treatment,
or Botox application.
Some Blues names for Women: a.
Sadie, b. Big Mama, c. Bessie, d. Bertha, e. Josephine f. Lucille,
Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe
b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie, e. Willie B., f. Lightning, g.
Blackburn, h. Shotgun, i. B.B.
Note: Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia,
Skye will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Nor should juggling comedians.
Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical
infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic), b. First name (see above) or name of
fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi), c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.). Or, you
could generate your
own blues name.
A Blues way to communicate is to dial up the
telephone or to "holla."
Blackberrys or iPods are not Blues ways to
weapons: a. shotgun, b. snub nosed 38, knife, "doing
the dozens," (probably the most deadly).
People with the Blues eat
barbecue, grits, corn bread, beans, and their (they) last
Good blues instruments: Guitar
(Lucille), Slide Trombone,
Saxophone, Harmonica, string bass, piano, drums. Bad blues instruments: everything else,
particularly inappropriate are the oboe, french
horn, and viola.
You got the blues if you have
lumbago or a bad back. You don't have the blues if you have a mental disorder
ending in "syndrome."
Black Jack is a good blues game. Keno is not a
good blues game.
Blues jobs include working on the railroad,
picking cotton, musician, just got fired.
Blues animals include the junkyard dog and mule
words and their pronunciations/usage: